About two months ago, I was spending a television-free evening clicking through article after article on the dating site How About We?’s blog and I came across one from xoJane titled “It Happened to Me: I Lost My Virginity at 30.”
Naturally, I was intrigued.
The woman who wrote the article described herself a lot like me: not socially awkward, moderately attractive, having a stable set of friends, and yet still a virgin at an advanced age. She even went on to clarify that not only was she a virgin, she was a very inexperienced virgin in that she hadn’t given or performed oral sex or had a man touch her breasts or her vagina. I’m guessing it goes without saying that no man had ever seen her naked, either.
Ding ding ding! Sound familiar?? She could have signed that portion of the post “The Undateable Virgin.”
I think deep down, if I had thought about it, I would have known that it wasn’t possible that I was the only young woman in her late twenties/early thirties who hadn’t had sex or a boyfriend, but it sure did feel like I was all alone. Everyone around me seemed to be in love, in a stable relationship, and yes, having sex!
Reading the article was a great source of relief to me. It was wonderful to realize that maybe, just maybe, it will happen for me someday. I get discouraged by the sudden endings of relationships with guys I actually like and begin to start wondering if it is possible that anyone could ever like me. Ever.
But it happened for this woman at age 30. I obviously don’t want it to take that long (2 years seems like a very long time), but it’s nice to know that she actually understands what it feels like. And scrolling through the comments her readers left, it seems like it isn’t even just the two of us! That’s one of the biggest problems I encounter in trying to discuss my feelings with my friends. They can’t understand it. Not because they don’t want to, but because they literally cannot understand what I’m going through because they haven’t gone through it (and at this point, never will). But there’s a huge community of adult virgins that no one even knows about. I think this quote from the article says it all:
“To me, the problem with being an adult virgin wasn’t the lack of sex, but the way society negatively views virgins over the age of 21.”
Would I be more okay with being a virgin if people didn’t look at me like I have a third eye in the middle of my forehead when they find out that I am one? Would I be more comfortable around guys I date if I don’t have to dread the day coming when I’ll have to tell them my not-so-dirty little secret? I don’t know. As of now, I haven’t had to tell any guys, because it’s never gotten that far. I did date one man (Geoff) who knew I’m a virgin, but he only knew because a friend of my friend set us up and the friend-once-removed knew. The friend-once-removed was looking to get me laid, but I was looking for a relationship first. I don’t think Geoff dumped me solely because I was a virgin, but I don’t think he considered it a plus. In fact, friend-once-removed said guys don’t want to date virgins because there is a lot of pressure there if you ever do have sex to make it good; there’s also the fear that after first-time sex, a recently liberated virgin is going to get very clingy to the man she lost it to. I can understand those fears, but where does that leave me?
I don’t know, but I’m glad to know I’m not alone.